Am I going somewhere?
I have had this feeling for the longest time now that I’m just floating around aimlessly. Not going anywhere in my life. It’s funny, I have never been able to picture a future for myself. You know? Most little girls think about their dream weddings, dream families, dream homes, dream jobs. I have never seen any of that for myself and the more I grow up, the more I find it a little eerie. Like, what if I don’t have a future? What if I’m not able to picture myself here or there because I’m not going to live to that point? It bothers me when I hear people talk about their future like it was chosen for them. I didn’t dream about any of it. I can’t see myself getting married or having kids or getting a degree. Or getting old for that matter. It’s so scary. I think it would explain why I have no motivation to get through school. I just can’t see myself doing something big. It’s odd and depressing, because I want to imagine all of that.
For example. CH mentioned earlier that I don’t really seem as excited as everyone that I’m moving back to Kansas City in the next couple months after living in Tulsa for a year and a half. It’s because the idea seems so surreal. Like it’s not going to happen. Yet… I can’t see myself staying in Tulsa. Nor anywhere else for that matter. Am I going to fall into a dark void somewhere? And it’s not that I don’t want to go back, because I really do. All my friends are there, the man I’m in love with is there, and my family… Man, I don’t know. It’s always been like this for me. Obviously no one can really predict the future, but most people have a general idea of what their future looks like, or at least what they want it to look like. I don’t. Isn’t that scary?
It’s really hard to explain without sounding negative and… well, crazy. I know I want to succeed at something. I know I want to find a career that fits me. I know I want to get married and possibly even who I want to marry. And that should be enough to get me through whatever the fuck this is, but I don’t know. I’m cursed.
The good news is that I never saw myself graduating high school and I did. I never thought I could get away from certain people and I did. So, maybe I’m just crazy and have a fear of the unknown. Or maybe I’m going to be abducted by aliens and live the rest of my life as an experiment. Hm.
I really hate thinking sometimes.
